March 12, 2010, Newsletter Issue #353: Reasons aren't excuses

Tip of the Week

So I'm sitting here, watching a completely mindless show on E! "20 Celebrity Cases of Love Gone Wrong".
Time after time again, I'm hearing of people beating up, shooting, and generally freaking out when love and life doesn't go their way.
Friends and family talk about "oh, she was addicted to pain killers" or "he was raised in a bad household."
Blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all, but when you torch your boyfriend's house or you shoot your girlfriend, I really don't care what the reason is.
What I care about: is it an excuse for the behavior?
I see parents do the same thing. "Oh, she's throwing a temper tantrum because she's hungry" or "He's got an older step-brother and they were fighting with swords yesterday. Sorry about your window."
Fine, that's the reason, but it's not an excuse.
Bad behavior in children is the direct result of parenting. Parents can say their children are "high spirited" or "he/she has ADD", but again, it's still tolerated. Yes, parenting is very hard and some kids certainly test the boundaries more than they should, but it's still behavior that's tolerated. Parenting is even harder when both parents aren't on the same page or even in the same house. With so many kids being raised by grandparents, you have to factor in how they have to parent and it's hard.
Let me write that again, PARENTING IS HARD!!!!
Now, before a bunch of you write to me, telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about because your child is this or that, please understand that I know there are things called puberty, hormones, grandparents, and in-laws that can really throw a screw in things. This can make it extremely difficult to be an effective parent. If you're having trouble, you need to get help through school or extra-curricular activities your child is involved in.
Look, I've got children that test me on a regular basis. I know when they act a certain way; it's my responsibility to parent, not to gloss over or pat my daughter on the head and say "Now, now, that's not nice."
I have left parties, stores, playgrounds, and general fun times because of my child's behavior. They are not perfect; they are not ever going to be perfect. I don't want them to be. They are always going to test me, that am their jobs, but I, as a mother, have to be consistent and solid and make sure they understand what acceptable behavior is.
I understand when they are acting a certain way and they are hungry, tired, frustrated, or simply testing boundaries. All of these are reasons, but I don't excuse the behavior. I make sure to explain why they are in trouble and have them tell me what they could have done differently or better. I try to help them identify things that get them in trouble and if they are acting a certain way, why that's not cool.
I expect they will fall, but what I'm hoping is to help them see the world in a much bigger way. That people don't want to hear or see them be brats, pitch fits, or throw something when they don't get their way. To add to that, their bad behavior, no matter the reason, does have consequences.
Again, if you're having trouble parenting, please seek help with this. Don't make excuses for your child's behavior, but get help. Again, parenting is hard and on the job training. There are no manuals and no perfect ways to parent, especially since every child is so different., but don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. It might be the most amazing act of parenting you’ll ever do.  
 

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