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Look for the Good
Children respond more readily to positive reinforcement, so instead of punishing for misbehavior, try to focus on positive behaviors as they are happening. It greatly increases the likelihood of the behavior repeating itself, and it increases positive feelings between yourself and your child.
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Increasing Responsibilities
To give kids a chance to earn extra money, and increase their responsibilities around the home, try posting a "Help Wanted" sign detailing various jobs and the pay for each job. For example, water the plants - 50 cents. This also helps build self-confidence and teach the importance of hard work.
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Be Positive!
Instead of telling your kids what not to do, try telling them what they should do. Negative messages such as "donīt" and "no" tend to break down self-esteem. Try to ask your child to "Please do" instead. Donīt forget YOUR manners!
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Respect
Children should be able to respect their parentsī authority and also the rights of other people. Discipline that is harsh - name calling, shouting and humiliating - will make it difficult for a child to respect and trust a mother or father.
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The When/Then Rule
To help teach your children responsibility and positive reinforcement for their actions, establish the when/then rule in your family. For example, if your child really wants to play with a friend, and her room is a mess, you tell her "WHEN your room is clean, THEN you can play with your friends". You can apply this rule to any area of your childīs life, and it will teach them responsibility. It also keeps the parent from sounding negative due to always saying NO.
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Tea for Two
To help your child practice table manners, try having regular tea parties. Sit at a child-sized table and serve juice and cookies. Serve refreshments only to those who remember to say "please" and "thank you" and who ask to be excused when necessary. Since teatime is a lot less hectic than dinnertime, it is a great time to teach table manners!
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A Creative Way to End the Gimmes
When my child asks for things in the store that she would like, I ask her to draw a picture of the item when we get home. We then put it in her wish folder for possible birthday and Christmas presents. This has proven to be an effective way to end in-store temper tantrums.
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Praise the Kindness
Praise your childīs random acts of kindness. Noticing and praising your childīs kind gestures is one important way to help her establish a core identity, a sense of herself as a person who feels good when sheīs good to others. It also teaches her not to take othersī kindnesses for granted.
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Time Outs for Parents
It is important for children to see how their parents deal with their own emotions. If a situation has caused anger in a parent, it is important to cool down before disciplining, rather than acting out in that anger. Simply tell the child that "Mommy needs a time-out and we will talk about what happened in two minutes".
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Clean Up Monster
If your kids tend to dawdle at clean up time, here is a handy trick. Use a large sack and draw a mean face on it. If your kids refuse to clean up, pull out the "toy-eating" sack and put stray toys in it. Tell your kids that once the sack has eaten a toy, it doesnīt come back out for 2 days. This should help speed up the cleaning process, since your kids will not want their toys to be eaten.
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Encouraging Good Deeds
On your next quiet or rainy afternoon when you are looking for an activity to do with your child, help her make a card for a favorite babysitter, day-care worker or teacherīs helper. Help him to make bright colorful pictures and add a message that is sure to brighten the personīs day. Help him sign his name and be sure to tell him why you are doing this - to help make another person feel good.
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Choices Encourage Responsibility
Offer your child several choices throughout the day to encourage responsibility and maturity. Simple choices such as "Would you like the red shirt or the green shirt today?", can give a child a surge of self-importance and responsibility in their day-to-day life.
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Distraction
Stop arguing with a screaming child. Instead, try changing your location. The key is to distract your child or yourself.
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Dealing with Crying
When your child is crying, do not take it personally, and avoid letting it get you angry. Try to calm your child, since you will be unable to discuss it when she is still crying. Once she is calm, then you can discuss the situation.
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Keep the Spirit of Giving Alive
To help your kids focus on the importance of sharing with others throughout the year, have children use a part of their allowance once a month to buy an item for a "giving box". You may use a different theme each month, (school supplies, dry goods, toys, etc.) and in December give the box to a charity of your childīs choice.
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It Only Takes 2 Minutes!
It has been proven that a two minute time out is as effective at preventing misbehavior as a half-hour time-out. A time out simply needs to be a removal from an overstimulating situation, and two minutes should be enough.
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Children Need Boundaries
Children need boundaries and will continually push them until they find one that holds. Which means they will keep pushing your button, until it becomes explosive. And when the situation gets to the explosive point, you have both lost. Discipline in love, not in anger because your button has been pushed too many times. Follow up when the first boundary is pushed, not the last one of many. Both of your lives will be much happier and more peaceful.
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Hug Therapy
Instead of issuing time-outs immediately after a misbehavior, try offering your child a choice of either time-out or hug. A hug will still separate your child from the situation and you will both calm down so that you can discuss what happened and decide how to prevent it in the future.
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Getting Kids to Listen
To get your child to actually do what you ask describe your request in more detail rather than criticize. Ask them to repeat what you have told them and offer limited choices instead of giving orders. Give your child undivided attention when they are talking to you to set a good example.
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Tantrum Tamer
When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, calmly move him in front of a full length mirror to show him what he looks like during a tantrum. He will likely be very surprised, and may stop the tantrum, and even laugh at himself. Once he is calm, you can deal with the consequences of the tantrum.
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Clean Up Bingo
To help motivate kids to do household chores, draw a grid on a piece of paper, like a bingo card, and fill in the squares with various household chores. Give them the center square "FREE". Then, write each chore on a separate slip of paper and put the slips in a jar. At chore time, the kids each pick a slip. After the chore is completed to your satisfaction, they get an "X" on that square. Once your kids get a BINGO, reward them with a treat.
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Importance of Boundaries
Children need boundaries in their lives. Just as important as knowing a certain room is their territory, such as their bedroom, kids need to know what the rules are and where you draw the line. Boundaries provide a sense of security. One important thing you child needs, along with love, is security. Expect the boundaries to be tested, but hold them firm.
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Dealing with Anger
When we get angry, adrenalin is produced that goes racing through our bodies because it has been alerted danger is imminent. It is adrenalin that enables people to perform superhuman acts in crisis situations, such as lifting a car off of a young child. So you need to get rid of that excess energy soaring through your body that's causing your blood to boil. If possible, go outside and take a brisk walk, go for a run, head for the gym or a workout room. Release that energy and cool your head. Then you can think clearly and will be better able to make appropriate decisions rather than rash decisions made in the heat of the moment.
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Sticking to Your Word
Now we all promise our kids that weīll do something and sometimes we forget. Make sure you follow through no matter what. You want your kids to trust you not think that you donīt lie to them. If they think that, they will start to not listen to you. Stick to your word. Itīll make things easier on you and them.
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Incentives
Trying to get children to pick up after themselves is a feat in itself. Try making a chart. Choose a reward and when the chart gets filled the child can get his or her reward. The older the child gets the reward should get smaller or maybe become an allowance. This teaches a child responsibility and also rewards them for good behavior.
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Pick Your Battles
Choose the three things that your kids do that bother you the most. For example, hitting each other, yelling, leaving messes around the house. Concentrate on disciplining these three behaviors and let the rest go ( unless they are dangerous). Your kids will be more likely to hear what you are saying because you wonīt be nagging them so frequently.
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Donīt Take It Out on the Kids
When you and your spouse are angry with one another, do not take it out on the children. For example, "You are just like your father....your mother..." This will only hurt them in the long run.
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You Get What You Give
In order to teach kids the importance of respecting others, you must first treat them with respect. They will learn the importance of it by modelling your behavior and by learning what it feels like to be respected in return. Remember that they are very important individuals!
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Mind Your Manners
To help my kids remember to use please and thank you each time they ask for something, I pretend that I cannot hear them when they forget. Sometimes I remind them by saying that I canīt hear them when they ask like that, and other times I simply donīt respond. After a few tries, they always remember, and quickly fix the question. It has taken a little while, but I notice that I now rarely need to be hard of hearing.
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TV Coupons
To help kids take responsibility for their TV time, and choose shows wisely, try using TV-time coupons. Each day, give your child several 1/2 hour TV coupons (you decide how many). The child must "cash in" a coupon every time he wants to watch TV. If he runs out, thatīs it for the day. It should end TV arguments, and teach your child to save coupons for things he really wants to watch.
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Walking in on Lovemaking
It is important to be honest with your child if she walks in on you and your husband and tell her that there is a special way that mommies and daddies show each other that they love each other. How much detail you go into depends on the age of your child, and how much detail she wants. Let her lead the discussion, and truthfully answer her questions. When she has heard enough, she will stop asking questions. Be sure to explain to her that this is a private time for you, and it is inappropriate to talk about this with other people, but it is not something to be ashamed of. Also tell her that since it is private that she should always knock on your bedroom door when it is closed. Also, be sure to respect her privacy, and she will do the same for you.
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Sexy Dressing
If your little girl feels the need to dress in sexy clothes, there are a few things you can do to keep this behavior from getting out of hand. 1) Take charge - for your daughterīs safety and emotional well-being, do not let her make all the decisions. 2) Control what is on TV - many shows on TV are not appropriate for kids or teens, and send very inappropriate messages. 3) Teach Respect - teach girls to respect themselves and that their sole purpose is not to please boys. 4) Talk about sex - whenever kids ask about sex, answer them honestly and truthfully. Communication and education prevent kids from testing on their own.
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Give Them Some Space
If you give your children some space as they reach the double digits, it will give them the confidence they need and it will also teach them about responsibility. My oldest two children have made great strides with responsibility since I changed my job and work closer to home. At the time I changed my job I allowed them to walk to where I work after school where the checked in with me. They then go home to do their homework and do several chores before the TV gets turned on. They are home for about 1 1/2 hours by themselves, with me within walking distance of the house, and they think that they are being treated like young adults. They respect me more for trusting them and they also respect each other more too. The homework and chores get done earlier than before and they think it is all fun. A little space has created more responsible children for me.
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Respect
Teaching your child respect is not an easy task. Try to respect your child and set the example yourself. Encourage volunteer work and relationships with their grandparents. Let them join a sport or a club. They will learn respect from what they see.
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Use Logical Consequenses
If a child is misbehaving, use consequences related to the misbehavior. For example, if a child is refusing to wear a bike helmet, than do not allow the child to ride his/her bike until they wear their helmet.
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A Fun Way to Get Kids to Listen
To get your kids to cooperate without having to resort to anger, try using a "family fun jar". When your children listen to you the first time you make a calm request, they are given a penny to put in a jar. If they donīt listen, they have to take a penny out. When the jar is full, they get to pick a fun, family activity of their choice.
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Treat Kids Like People
The next time someone asks you about your kids in front of them, ask them to ask your child instead of you. If they are uncomfortable, chances are the question shouldnīt have been asked in front of your child in the first place.
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Setting Boundaries
It is your job as a parent to set boundaries for your children and then make sure the boundaries are maintained. If a child is told to look both ways before crossing the street, and doesn't, it is time to reaffirm the boundary. Discuss it with them and you may want to consider not allowing the child to cross the street unless accompanied by an adult until they learn the appropriate behavior. It shouldn't take but a few times for that lesson to be learned, and it may save your child's life!
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Biting
Young children biting others is a very common problem. This is a guaranteed way to get a reaction and attention, even if negative. He may also be doing his biting if he is bored, nervous, hungry or tired. To know how to get him to stop, you will need to figure out why he is doing it. It may be because of the reaction and reinforcement he gets when he does it. Does he do it at times when he is feeling lonely or hasnīt had your attention for a little while (which to him may be only a few minutes)? Whatever the cause, it is very important never to bite back, as you are trying to teach him that biting is wrong, therefore it should be wrong for you to do it too. Besides, he is likely too young to realize the pain he feels from your bites is the same as the pain others feel from his bites. Always separate him from the situation when he does bite, explain that he hurt you, and explain to him that it is OK to be angry (or bored, or lonely, etc.), but it is not OK bite. He may need a time out to calm down. Be sure to be consistent in your reaction, as he may be doing it simply for your attention, and if he doesnīt get the reaction he is looking for, he will stop (eventually). Also, make sure that no one in his life playfully nips at his toes or fingers during play time, as this will confuse him and reinforce that it is OK to bite.
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Maintaining Boundaries
Once boundaries are established, don't be continually moving them. Don't threaten a child that if they don't stop a particular behavior there will be consequences. Many parents are guilty of not following up with the promised consequences. What this says to the child is that you really didn't mean it and that the boundary has been moved. If you are constantly moving the boundaries, the child ends up confused and doesn't know when you intend to follow up or if you ever will.
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Discipline or Punishment?
How one handles the inevitable conflict between parents and children is what really matters. Discipline, to most of us, suggests punishment, and we often confuse the two. The words have very different meanings, though. "Discipline" comes from the Greek word, "disciplina" which means "to teach" or "to lead." We are teaching our children to lead themselves. We are teaching them to be self-disciplined, so they can make responsible choices when weīre not around. When we set firm boundaries, we provide children with a sense of safety and security. When we discipline with love, we give two important messages: "I care too much about you to allow you to act inappropriately," and "I care enough about you to take the time and effort to teach you how to behave."
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The Talking Napkin
To help kids practice communication skills and showing respect for others, try this dinner time tip. Place a red cloth napkin on the table and pass it around during the meal. Whoever is in possession of it gets to talk without interruption. This is a great way to control the usual mealtime din.
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Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are the best way for your child to learn. The next time you are getting ready to go somewhere and your child does not want to put their coat on donīt argue with them. It is not likely they will catch pneumonia on the way out to the car without their coat. Take their coat to the car and when they get cold they will put it on. They will soon learn if they donīt put their coat on they will get cold.
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Learning From Your Mistakes
Remember to learn from your own mistakes and the mistakes your parents might have made. Try to correct yourself so the same things donīt happen again.
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Diversion
If your child is on the verge of a tantrum, try diversion, such as looking out the window, or reading a book. It is tough to act out on a tantrum if it is forgotten.
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Problem Solving
Teach your children to think and problem solve for themselves. Ask your child what happened in the situation and ask them how they might resolve this or a similar issue in the future. Of course, all these must be done at a developmentally appropriate level and in a safe environment.
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Remembering Please
To help my kids to remember to say please when they are asking for something, I pretend that I cannot hear them unless they say it. Sometimes they ask a few times before realizing what is wrong, but I see a definite improvement. It also helps them to realize how often they are asking for things, and just how much I actually do for them.
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Put an End to Interruptions
To teach young children not to interrupt you or other adults when you are talking, have them stand next to you and hold your hand whenever they need to tell you something. Itīs an easy and silent way to get your attention, and a gentle reminder to you that they need it.
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New Words for Encouragement
When encouraging your child, it is important to not always use the same words. "Good Job" loses some of its impact if those are the only words a child hears. Try some of these suggestions to encourage your child through lifeīs challenges: Wow!, Thatīs great, I like the way youīre working, Keep up the good work, Thatīs quite an improvement, Much better, Keep it up, You really outdid yourself today, Congratulations, Thatīs right!, Good for you, Iīm very proud of the way you worked today, Youīre on the right track now.
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Yelling Hat
If you find yourself yelling at the kids on a regular basis, and you know that it is not effective since the kids are blocking it out, try making a yelling hat for your household. Establish a rule that if anyone wants to yell, they must first put on the hat. This should help by providing a few seconds of cool-down time, plus it makes yelling a conscious decision. It also makes you aware of just how much you do yell.
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